


Revealing: The "Someday Out of the Blue" AU

by Starbird



Series: Someday Out of the Blue [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: (If That Makes Sense? AAU?), Alternate Storyline to Existing AU Storyline, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Baby Fic, Cheating, Clothed Sex, Daddy Issues, Dirty Talk, F/M, Heavy Angst, Jek Porkins: Uber Driver, Mutual Pining, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Paternity questions, Porn with Feelings, Pregnancy, Rating May Change, Semi-Public Sex, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Smut, Sorta Accidental Pregnancy...?, eventual rebelcaptain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-01-10 11:06:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12297933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: Jyn tells Cassian she’s pregnant instead of cutting him out. An alternate take on the series.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You asked, I wrote it. Hope you enjoy this. :) (Not sure yet where it’s going!)

Jyn’s thumbnails tapped at her phone’s screen, but still, the perfect words didn’t write themselves. She’d erased them and rewritten them a dozen times, and still, nothing seemed right.

**I have to talk to you.**

_JUST SEND IT._

She finally just hit the button to send the message, watched the status go from _Sending…_ to _Sent_ , and put her phone down with a sigh. She covered her face with her hands. She knew she should be feeling excited. She was. She absolutely was. But things had gotten…complicated.

“What’s wrong, babe?” her boyfriend Mike Easton asked as he sat down on the bed next to her. “Morning sickness starting in already?”

Jyn forced a smile. “No, it’s…it’s just taking some getting used to.”

Mike smiled back at her, his genuine and full of happiness. “We have eight more months to get used to it.” Leaning over, he kissed her forehead and then patted her knee. “Come on. I made breakfast, and then I thought we could head over to IKEA to check out some baby furniture.”

“Oh!” His enthusiasm was contagious, but Jyn still felt unsettled, and besides, she’d read enough on early pregnancy to know things were still too soon to be getting _that_ excited. “Maybe we should slow down a bit. We just found out yesterday, and what if…” She trailed off. It was too horrible to say.

Mike’s hand tightened on her knee, and he gave her another smile, reassuring her. “Nothing’s going to happen to our baby, Jyn. This is what we wanted. Everything is perfect.”

 _Everything is not perfect,_ Jyn thought as she dressed. Her phone buzzed when she was about to put her shorts on, and she reflected that being half-dressed was what had gotten her into trouble in the first place.

 _Sure,_ read the text. _Everything okay?_

 **No,** Jyn wrote back. **It’s not.**

 

She had knocked on the door, and all she could do now was wait for Cassian to open it. The last time she’d been to his apartment, she had been here to pick up the last of her memories of their long-dead relationship.

They’d wound up in bed together.

And now she was pregnant.

The temptation had been to cut him out completely, to tell him to just leave her alone and let her have the blissful life she’d imagined with Mike. The fresh start, the family, the everything she’d wanted. _The exact opposite of Cassian._ But now, instead, she’d gotten herself into a mess if it turned out that the tiny little life inside her was actually fathered by Cassian instead of Mike. It was impossible to tell at this point, given that she’d slept with both men within days of each other and had been _trying_ to get pregnant with Mike – _Oh, God, how could I have done that?_ she thought with revulsion at herself – but at some point, the truth would come out. As far she could tell, Mike had no idea she’d hooked back up with Cassian (aka, cheated on Mike with her old boyfriend).

What she _could_ tell, however, was that this could get ugly.

Cassian answered the door, and Jyn walked by him into his apartment, already launching into the script she’d practiced in her head. “I can’t stay long,” she said. “Just wanted to talk to you about some stuff.”

“Okay,” Cassian said, shutting the door and leaning against it. His hands slid into his jeans pockets, and _why did he have to do that?_

Jyn swallowed and forced her eyes to look up into his, away from his hands. “Something’s come up,” she continued, “and I thought you should know about it.”

“All right.”

Jyn stopped. “You don’t have to sound so disinterested.”

That, at least, lit his fire a little. “What do you want me to say? I know what happened was a mistake, and that you’re in a serious relationship. We already said as much after it happened. I’m just not entirely sure why you’re here, when you clearly want _nothing_ to do with me.”

“I’m here because I’m pregnant,” she said, fists clenched.

The statement rang out and then just hung there between them. Cassian didn’t flinch or look away. It seemed to Jyn like an awful long time passed before he finally said something.

“You’re what?” he said.

 _“PREGNANT,”_ Jyn replied. “Not sure whose at this point, so thought you should know.” Angered by his response, she stepped closer to him to reach for the handle. “Move.”

Cassian blocked the handle. “Hang on. What do you mean, _not sure whose_?”

Jyn felt her eyes flash as they made contact with his again. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Mike and I were trying to get pregnant, and you and I hooked up. I’m pretty sure you’re off the hook here, but I just thought you should know.”

Again, she reached for the doorknob, but again he blocked it with his body. “ _Off the hook?_ How do you know?”

“I don’t know, lots of hoping? Move, will you? I want to go.”

“Jyn.”

Just that, him softly speaking her name, deflated her, and she allowed all of her repressed emotions to wash over her. She couldn’t meet his eyes again.

“I’m happy for you,” Cassian said, “and I hope things work out for you, and that Mike doesn’t have to know about this. About what happened. I know it’s the last thing you want.”

“But what if it doesn’t all work out?” Jyn asked. “What if we really did screw up? I don’t know how I’d tell Mike. He’ll dump me.”

“I don’t know, Jyn,” Cassian said as he crossed his arms. “You’d have to decide what you want from me. I can’t make that decision for you.”

Jyn scoffed and turned around, headed for his sofa. They’d spent a lot of time making out on that sofa. She sat down and said, “I don’t know what you’d be willing to offer.”

“I’d support you,” he said, sounding almost hurt that she’d even hint that he might not. He sat next to her and gently placed his hand on her ankle. “Of course I would.”

“What?” Jyn said sharply. “Financially? Emotionally? We’re all going to move into your bachelor apartment here, one big happy family? Right.”

“It could work.”

“Really? Because last I checked, we were barely speaking.”

“We usually hung out at work events.”

Jyn scoffed again. “Because we _fucked_ afterward, Cassian.”

He didn’t look deterred. “Still, we talked.”

“Talked about fucking.”

_“We were still talking.”_

“This is a joke,” Jyn said, and stood from the couch. “I don’t even know why I came here.” At the door, she turned and said, “I hope to God I didn’t fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I did…” She let out the rest of her breath and looked down, shaking her head again.

“I’m glad _Mike_ is _the best thing that’s ever happened to you_ ,” Cassian said with narrowed eyes.

“See,” Jyn said, jabbing her car keys in his direction with a triumphant smirk. “This is why things _have_ to go the right way. Because anything else would be a disaster. An absolute, unmitigated disaster.”

“Always a pleasure seeing you, Jyn.”

“Same.”

Jyn left his apartment and stomped down the stairs and out into the drizzle, thinking to herself that perhaps it had been a mistake to tell him she was pregnant. Maybe she was worried about absolutely nothing. After all, if the baby turned out to be Mike’s, she had nothing to worry about. Mike would never find out she’d slept with Cassian, and all would be well.

If the baby turned out to be Cassian’s, she thought as she started the car, she had everything in the entire world to worry about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn is excited about the pregnancy, but having trouble dealing with the possibility that the baby could be Cassian’s. Bodhi wants to know why she’s been ignoring him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that all this is separate from the original storyline, so this is not what happened in the first three parts. :)

_Reasons for determining paternity…test can be performed as early as the 8 th week of pregnancy…maternal blood draw…paternal cheek swab…_

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Mike asked from the kitchen. “You look awfully focused.”

Jyn hurriedly switched the tabs on her computer to a Carter’s sale page. “Clothes,” she said, looking up with a smile. “I always wanted to splurge on clothes when I got pregnant.”

“Alan’s wife did that when they found out the gender. Bought out Target.” He came into the living room and handed Jyn her dinner plate. She ignored it and stared at the webpage, pretending to peruse the gender-neutral footed pajamas. “Ducks are always popular.”

“Yeah, can’t go wrong with ducks.”

“Turtles, too. Although I hear hedgehogs are the newest thing. All manner of woodland creatures, really.”

“Mm.”

It was quiet for a moment, and Jyn reached for her food, trying to force normalcy back into the atmosphere. She would be nine weeks tomorrow.

“Something bothering you?” Mike asked. “You seem…off.”

“Just feeling a little queasy,” Jyn lied, glancing at her dinner. It was a homemade pot pie, and it did look good. She was hungry, and she needed to eat.

“You should eat.” He tucked hair behind her ear, and Jyn unconsciously flinched away. “What?”

“Tickled,” she replied, lying again. He didn’t often tuck her hair back like that, but Cassian used to. Now was not the time for Mike to suddenly start picking up _that_ gesture.

“Only a few more weeks till we can tell our folks,” Mike said, picking up Jyn’s plate and nudging her arm. “They’re going to be so excited.”

“Yeah! Yeah. Definitely.” Jyn started eating. Maybe if she couldn’t talk, he wouldn’t keep pressing.

“I was thinking we’d get both our families together at the same time, so we didn’t have to tell one first over the other,” Mike continued. Jyn nodded. “When are you going to tell your group of friends? Who are you going to tell first?”

“Mm,” Jyn said again, annoyed by the question. She finished chewing, slowly, and swallowed. “Obviously my old work group. I’m closest to them.”

“They’ll be pretty excited for you.”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s weird, but…”

Shit. She’d definitely said too much.

“I mean,” Jyn continued as smoothly as she could, with a casual shrug, deflecting, “we’re at that age, you know? Did I tell you Baze and Chirrut have decided to start fostering? I think it’ll be good for them. And for the kids. They can’t just raise cats.”

“Could be worse. Could be lizards.”

“I like lizards.”

“You would.”

Jyn smiled, and Mike kissed her on the head before putting his arm around her.

“You’re going to be a great mommy, Jyn,” he said. “I’m so excited.”

“Me, too,” Jyn said. “Me, too.”

* * *

The following Monday, Jyn sat at her desk in her cubicle staring bleary-eyed at lines of code on her computer. There was too much on her mind, and she did not want to be at work. It wasn’t even eleven. She glanced at her phone, thinking. Half-expecting a text from Cassian.

Truth be told, she missed texting with him. He wasn’t easy to get hold of when he was on assignment, but he always got back to her. And he could be counted on for so much: something sweet, something dirty, a late-night bite to eat, a –

 _Stop it,_ a voice roared in her eat. _Shut the fuck up, Jyn._

A soft knock on her cube wall jerked her back to the present. She turned around, and she smiled when she saw Bodhi.

“Hi,” she said.

“I sent you three emails?” he replied. Jyn winced.

“Ah, yeah, sorry,” she said. “I haven’t been checking my email lately.”

“You don’t get alerts on your phone?”

Jyn winced even harder. “Yeah.”

He looked hurt, or confused, or maybe both. “Well, just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“No, I know, I just… How about a walk? I can’t focus right now.”

Bodhi nodded, and Jyn got up. She felt blood rush down and lightheadedness hit her. She’d read about that, and she tried not to react to it. So far she’d been spared the so-called morning sickness, which she’d also read could hit any time of the day. The worst right now was that she couldn’t _talk_ to anyone about this. She was so excited, and Mike was, too, but they couldn’t even share their good news.

Well. They could. But the fear was that if something happened to the baby before the second trimester, they’d then have to go back and tell everyone something had happened. They’d decided to wait until sometime between weeks twelve and fourteen to share. It was just too scary and awful to think of sharing the news, only to have to take it back. But at the same time, not being able to tell people was its own kind of difficult, too.

Jyn and Bodhi walked out of the massive building into the bright sunlight, and just as Jyn opened her mouth to start talking to him, she caught sight of Cassian and Kay sitting in the break area the field ops department frequented, about fifty feet away. Kay was sitting on the bench part of the table, looking thoroughly annoyed as Cassian, sitting on the table, grinned and nudged his shoulder with his boot. Of course, at that moment, he looked up, and his eyes met Jyn’s. Bodhi smiled and raised a hand to wave, but Jyn turned and steered Bodhi away.

“I get it, I get it,” Bodhi said when they were far enough away. “You don’t need to be rude.”

“We have, um, news,” Jyn said. “Mike and me.”

“Oh?”

“We’re…we’re pregnant. It’s good news.”

“Oh.” He glanced sidelong at her. “Congratulations?”

“Yeah, it’s good news,” she repeated. “We’re really excited.” He didn’t say anything else, and Jyn added, “It was on purpose. We were trying.”

“That’s great. We just…had no idea.”

“No, I know. Mike and I didn’t really want to share. It’s kind of private, you know?”

“Right.” He put his hands in his pants pockets and was silent.

“Bodhi…”

“What?”

“You’re thinking. I don’t like where it’s probably going.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Bodhi said. “You’re with this new guy three months, and now you’re starting a family with him? We haven’t even met him, Jyn. Are we even still going to be friends with you? You won’t even hang out with us if Cassian’s around.”

“Well, it’s a little awkward, isn’t it?” Jyn said. “We’re not dating anymore.”

“You’re not even _talking_ anymore. How did that happen?”

“I don’t know,” Jyn said quietly. “I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Why? Because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship before? I don’t _have_ to be. I saw the whole thing. Is this why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you’re pregnant? Is it what you really want, or is this Mike guy forcing you into something you don’t want?”

“Hang on here,” Jyn said, pressing her fingertips to her temples. “You’re asking a lot of stuff right now, and I’m extra emotional these days.”

“One thing at a time, then,” Bodhi said, clasping her shoulder. “Is this what you really want?”

“It’s a little late for that, for one thing, but yes, it absolutely is. Mike and I fell in love right away, and we wanted to have a family together. What’s wrong with that?”

Bodhi shrugged and looked straight ahead. Jyn frowned, wishing he would look at her. “He just doesn’t…seem your type.”

“Why? Because he isn’t broody and sulky and angry and doesn't piss me off all the time and yell at customer service reps in Spanish? Or freak out on waiters in Mexican restaurants when they give him avocado? Mike makes me happy. _He_ is happy.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t,” Bodhi said. “I’m _glad_ he does. I know you’ve been happy. It just…all seems a little fast.”

“Why shouldn’t it be?” Jyn said. “Why do we have to have some conventional relationship and follow all of society’s rules and expectations just to please some societal norm and make other people happy?”

“You’re really defensive about this. I just asked a question.”

Jyn didn’t continue arguing, instead lapsing into silence.

“It’s just,” Bodhi said gently, “it seems like you should be happier about this, but instead, something else is hanging over your head, dragging you down. What happened, Jyn?”

Jyn looked down, and she felt her lip begin to quaver and her eyes well with tears. “It’s complicated,” she said.

“I know what that means,” Bodhi replied. “Let’s get some lunch. We’ll talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m basically just writing this for you (super incredibly awesome) guys (who I ADORE and am humbled by), and I’m pretty vague on plot at the moment. SO, if you guys want to see something happen, let me know, and I’ll consider it!! I know some of you have said you want Jyn to go back to Cassian when she finds out he’s the father, so that’s one idea. I also don’t know how much Jyn is going to tell Bodhi, but I’m leaning toward her letting him in on all of it so she’s not keeping it to herself. Again, tell me what you guys think!! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is pissed off at everyone. Jyn and Cassian shout at each other. Cassian’s POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst!
> 
> Thanks to [VaderCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vadercat/) for suggesting chapters from Cassian’s POV! Thanks to ALL of you for continuing to follow this!!

Cassian watched Jyn and Bodhi walk away from the building, Jyn hurrying a confused Bodhi along. He kept watching until they’d rounded the corner and were out of sight.

“Is it me,” Kay said, “or was that odd?”

“No, it was odd,” Cassian said, looking down at his clasped hands. “Jyn is…in a weird place right now.”

“Jyn is always in a weird place, Cassian.”

Cassian just nodded, and then got off the table to go back inside. Kay happily followed, never liking to waste time anyway, even though they still had plenty of time left for their lunch. Cassian didn’t feel much like being away from work, though, not when he’d just seen Jyn again. It was too hard. He needed to be distracted again. Consumed by projects and assignments. He had reports to fill out anyway from his and Kay’s last assignment.

As he sat in their shared office typing up the report, he wondered if he should tell Kay about what had happened between him and Jyn, and about Jyn being pregnant. It wasn’t his place to tell, though, and not his news to share. He should, he figured, probably leave well enough alone.

Kay would find out soon enough.

* * *

It was a Monday morning a few weeks later when Kay walked into their office, dropped his bag on the floor with a thump, and stood there in the entrance.

“Morning,” Cassian said, but then looked up when he noticed Kay hadn’t sat down. “Problem?”

“Jyn’s pregnant,” Kay said. “They’re really excited.”

An unpleasant feeling unfurled itself through Cassian’s body, starting at his head and working its way down. He hadn’t seen or talked to Jyn since she’d told him she was pregnant and he may have been the one responsible for it, and he’d assumed that she was done with him given she hadn’t contacted him since. Or maybe she’d done the paternity testing and found out the baby really was Mike’s. But then, why wouldn’t she have told him? He didn’t expect that he would have been invited to the pregnancy announcement whenever Jyn chose to make it, but actually having that happen, hurt.

Cassian faked a smile. He was good at faking expressions anyway. It was part of why he’d been promoted so many times at work, and so quickly. “That’s great news,” he said. “I’m happy for them.”

“Jyn asked me not to talk to you about it,” Kay said. “So I’m not.”

The unpleasant feeling exploded outward and hit Cassian right in the chest. Since it was Kay, his best friend, he let his expression drop. “Oh. Well, I can see why.”

Kay sat down finally and switched on his computer. “You two make absolutely no sense to me. Don’t involve me in this.”

Now, Cassian felt anger, and his hands clenched on the arms of his chair. “Wasn’t going to, Kay. Don’t worry at all about that.”

“You should probably talk to her about it. Even though you shouldn’t.”

Cassian scoffed and turned back to his computer. “And you say Jyn makes no sense,” he muttered, and went back to his report.

 

The text Cassian sent Jyn that night was bitchy and infantile and passive-aggressive, and he knew it.

 _Congratulations!_ he wrote. _Kay told me you’re pregnant._

He sat down on his sofa with a beer and stared at the dark TV. This was such a mess. He regretted that whole afternoon with Jyn three months ago. She was just supposed to come over and pick up some of her things she’d left at his place, and then go.

 _Instead we wound up having sex,_ he thought, tipping his head back. _That was such a huge mistake. If I’d known she was trying to get pregnant…_ He shook his head. That shouldn’t have made a difference. _Jyn cheated on her boyfriend with me. How am I supposed to be okay with that?_

And now she was pregnant, and it could be Cassian’s. That was the worst part of all of it.

His phone buzzed. It was Jyn.

**Thanks.**

That was it.

Angered (not that any response would have made him happy, and not that he _wasn’t_ spoiling for a fight anyway), Cassian typed back, _I bet Mike is thrilled for little baby Easton._

**Fuck off, Cassian. You’re not helping.**

_Are you going to run a paternity test or?_

**Why don’t you keep your thoughts and opinions off my body?**

_Sorry, can’t._

He slammed the phone down and finished off his beer. By the time he’d uncapped another one, his phone was buzzing again.

**You don’t get to decide what I do with my life. Leave me alone.**

_I’m not leaving you alone until you run the damn test. I have every right to know._

**It’s not yours. Go away.**

_Sorry, didn’t realize you were psychic._

**Didn’t realize you were a dick. GTG. My boyfriend is wondering why I look so upset and is concerned about the baby’s health.**

This time, Cassian threw his phone across the room.

 

“No, please, don’t involve me in this – ” Bodhi whined.  
  
“Just call her, please?” Cassian said, holding the phone to his shoulder and digging around in his fridge for another beer. He didn’t need another one, but this night, he _needed_ another one. “I know you know what’s going on.”

Bodhi sputtered a little, but otherwise didn’t try to lie.

“Bodhi…”

The other man growled. “I don’t see why you have to put me in the middle of your problems. Jyn wants to be left alone about this. Leave her alone.”

“I can’t,” Cassian said. “And she knows I can’t. This isn’t some pining thing; this is serious.”

Bodhi sighed loudly into the phone, one harsh puff of air. “You can be a real jerk sometimes, Cassian.”

“I know that. Thanks, Bodhi.”

Without so much as even saying goodbye, Bodhi hung up.

 

Twenty minutes later, when Cassian had already been thoroughly drunk for a while, Jyn called.

“What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” she yelled. “Involving poor Bodhi in this? Come on!”

“Where are you?” Cassian asked. “Isn’t Mike there?”

“I’m in the car, driving to your place. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Same as Bodhi, she hung up without saying goodbye, and Cassian faceplanted onto his sofa and wished he would’ve just resisted her when he’d invited her over to get her stuff. He wished he’d just used a fucking condom. He wished he’d just kept it in his pants.

A fist pounded on his door just when he was dozing off in an inebriated haze, and he got up to answer it. Small but mighty Jyn stood on the other side, looking ready to strike.

“ _YOU_ are messing up my entire life!” she roared, advancing and forcing him back. “You need to _let this go_!”

“I’m not going to let it go!” he shouted back, slamming the door behind her. “You owe it to me to take a simple test and find out who that baby’s father is!”

“Jesus Christ, this is like a fucking soap opera,” Jyn said. Her fingers gripped her temples, and even though she was outraged at him, Cassian couldn’t help but notice the small bump on her belly. Her hair looked softer than usual, and her skin was smoother.

She looked beautiful in her early pregnant state, and he _badly_ wanted to touch her. Especially if he was the one responsible for making her like that.

Jyn dropped her hands. “There’s this new girl in Leia’s office,” she said, and Cassian squinted in confusion. “Some intern. She’s my age. Single. Hot. Great boobs. Desperate. I have her number. Please go bang her, and get it out of your system, and leave me alone. Just get yourself laid, and forget about all this.”

Cassian was incredulous. “Forget about…? Jyn, this could be _my child_!”

Jyn went to the door. “It’s not, and you’re drunk. This baby is Mike’s, and you need to get out of my life.”

He couldn’t help it; he grabbed her upper arm. “But what if it isn't?” he said. “You don’t _know_ , and you can’t tell me you do.”

She knew it, and he saw that in her eyes, and in her expression. “Cassian,” she said in a voice that had lost all its fire, and was verging on tears. “Don’t. Don’t ruin this for me.”

“We _both_ messed this up, Jyn. You can’t blame this all on me and pretend it’s all my fault. Why is the possibility that we could have a baby such an awful, terrible, abhorrent thing for you?”

“Because we’re over. Because we’re…” – she gestured – “ _this_.” He let go of her, and she shook her head. “Look at us. We’re a mess. We could never get through this. We wouldn’t survive it, and then, even worse, we’d mess up our child. I _need_ this baby to be Mike’s.”

“But if it _isn’t_?”

Jyn’s voice lowered, barely audible through restrained tears. “Is that what you want? For this baby to be yours?”

Cassian was dying to reach down and place his hands on her shoulders, but he didn’t dare touch her. He could feel his hands shaking, knew they were desperate to touch her. Touch this woman he still loved so painfully.  
  
His voice was broken, too. “Maybe?” he said. “Just a little?”

Big tears breached Jyn’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “What do we do if it is?”

“We figure things out?” Cassian said. “Like we always have?”

“If we had ‘always’ figured things out, we’d still be together.”

“I wish I had all the answers, Jyn. I don’t. I just don’t.” He squeezed his hands into hard fists, forcing himself not to touch her. She was so close, and yet never further away. “Run the test,” he said. “Please. I am begging you. Run it for whatever we had in the past. For what we used to be.”

Jyn nodded miserably. “Okay. I’ll call my doctor in the morning, and I’ll get it set up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Jyn is being unreasonable here, but I feel it makes sense given that she’s trying desperately to hold onto this other life.
> 
> I will also have a Baze/Chirrut intervention, idea courtesy [tyty_wars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyty_wars). Continuing to take ideas and loving how involved you guys are with this!!! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn gets her blood drawn for the paternity test. Leia throws her an unexpected party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is [Rover's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoverKelevra/pseuds/RoverKelevra) fault. I don't even remember how our coversation devolved into... _this_.

The nurse drawing Jyn’s blood at her OB’s office was friendly as usual, but Jyn felt self-conscious. Ashamed. All this time, she’d been coming to these appointments with Mike, and now, she was here to get a paternity test for her unborn child because he might not be the father after all.

Jyn couldn’t look the nurse in the eye.

She hadn't told Mike about any of this, and she didn't intend to unless she absolutely had to. The only other blood sample needed was Cassian's, so Mike had so far been left out of it. There could be no cause for worry at all, and Jyn could protect the new life she'd built.

“You’ll get the results in three or four days,” the nurse said as she stripped off her gloves.  
  
“Thanks.” Jyn watched as the nurse put the bandage over the pinprick hole. Such a tiny thing, and yet it could irrevocably change Jyn’s life completely.

As she walked out of the office, feeling a little ill, her phone rang. Jyn checked the screen, saw it was Leia, and considered letting the call go to voicemail. Then a text message from Mike popped up.

_Hey babe. Hope you have a day as beautiful as you. :)_

Jyn answered the call.

“Hey, Leia,” she said tiredly. “I promise I’ll have wine tonight even though I can’t drink it.”

“Yeah, that’s not what I’m calling about,” Leia replied. “But it’s good to know. I’m throwing you a sex toy party.”

Jyn drew to a halt by her car, her fingers on the door handle. “You’re what now?”

“Surprise! It’s happening tonight instead of the regular girls night.”

“This isn’t a good time,” Jyn said, opening the door and getting in.

“It damn well better be a good time,” Leia threatened. “I’ve had it booked since I found out you got knocked up.”

“ ‘Knocked up…’ This was on _purpose_ , you know.” Jyn craned her neck to see out her back window to reverse out of the spot.  
  
“Yeah, and as soon as that baby comes, your sex life is going to go down the drain. I hear pregnant women are _crazy_ horny. You might as well capitalize on that. They have all the lubes and stuff that sound fun. They also have this male jerk-off sleeve? I dunno, it kinda looks like a shark to me, but it might get you out of blow jobs. I mean, not that you ever _complained_ with _other_ boyfriends, but you bitch about it with Mike _all_ the time.”

“ ‘Other boyfriends,’ like I’ve had so many,” Jyn said distractedly as she tried to make a left across three lanes of traffic.

“You know who I’m talking about. Has he heard the news?”

Leia’s words shocked Jyn back to full awareness. “Uh, I…probably? I don’t keep in touch with him anymore. Ask Bodhi. He has all the dirt.”

“Bodhi is the cleanest dirt repository on the face of this earth. Anyway, see you tonight at 7. Tell Mike to get the fuck out.”

“He knows to get the fuck out,” Jyn said. “It’s girls night.”

“Girls night! Girls night!” Leia chanted loudly. Jyn scowled and held the phone away from her ear. “No but seriously, he crashed the last one. Came home drunk and lonely, crying in his beer for you.”

“Ugh.”

“See you soon, honey. Bring your wallet. I get a free gift of five naughty travel goodies if I make bank on this party. I want that.”

 

The Pure Romance consultant arrived at 7:30, after Jyn’s friends had been hard at work knocking back wine spritzers starting at 7:00. When Jyn had told Mike what was going on, he’d been thrilled, of course, and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t more excited. She’d told him she had a headache, and it just wasn’t a good day. In the end, he was way more psyched than she was about having her quiet girls night turned into a sex toy party. She’d been looking forward to the usual, which was swapping filthy trash with her friends. (Leia always had the best and worst stories, and was the most open about whatever crazy new thing she and Han were trying.)

Jyn had been horrified to see the consultant, wearing a pink Pure Romance polo with her name (Jenna) emblazoned on it, roll two giant travel bags into her apartment, and hissed at Leia that any number of people in her building could have seen her. Leia just shrugged and told her to loosen up.

They started off with regular body lotions and the like, but soon moved on to the lubes.

“This is always a fan favorite,” Jenna said as she put a dollop on each woman’s upturned wrist. “It’s called Hot Buttered Rum, and it’s warming. Blow on it.”

They all did, and giggled.

“Nope,” Mara said. “Next.”

Leia scoffed. “My brother is such a prude.”

“Not that you need to know,” Mara said, “but yes.”

“Question?” Magva said. “How does this work solo?”

Jenna gave her a wicked grin. “Get a fan.”

Leia snorted. “That is brilliant.”

“Is this safe for pregnant women?” Jyn asked. Leia groaned.

 _“Buzzkill,”_ she stage-whispered. “Google it.”

“I’m not googling every ingredient. Is there anything on your website?” she asked the consultant.

“Let’s just move on,” Leia said.

“Next up we have our enhancement creams,” Jenna said. “This one is formulated with Triplex Tingle, and it helps you achieve orgasm faster. It’s a great product for ladies who have a little trouble in that department.”

“Sucks for them,” Leia said as she leaned forward to examine the tiny tube. “Of course, we all know the one who takes the multi-orgasmic cake here is Jyn Erso. By the way, that chocolate cake you brought, Maia, was delicious.”

“Good for you!” Jenna said to Jyn. “You must have a very dedicated husband!”

Jyn didn’t say anything. It wasn’t Mike Leia was talking about. Again. And Mike was not her husband. _Yet,_ she told herself. _Not yet. After the baby is born, then we’ll get married. Whenever we feel the time is right. Please don’t say anything else, Leia._

Leia didn’t, and the party kept going. Leia was more interested in the other products on the coffee table, pointing straight up at the ceiling like phallic gods. Jyn tried to enjoy it, but she felt tired and worn out. The day had been too much, and she had not been in the mood for a sexy party.

 _Three or four days,_ she reminded herself. _Plus the weekend. I have three or four days left until my entire life as I know it could be over._

Sudden tears welled in her eyes, and she excused herself to go to the restroom.

“Now,” she heard Jenna say as she walked down the hallway, “who wants to talk about the back door?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun note: This is totally extra, but I had to share. I’m always massively behind on music, and the 2011 Gavin DeGraw song [“Not Over You”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDWhfsQHq1o) came on my Amazon Prime Music station a month or so ago and I was like “ZOMG I luv this IT FITS MY STORY.” I always think of this series when I hear it. Interestingly enough, the word “renew” is in it, so that’s fun. I’m kind of embarrassed to even share, but there it is. ::turns red::


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian run into each other at Target after Jyn has a breakdown in the diaper aisle over which brand to buy.

_Pampers are the best, but they’re expensive. They’re also not environmentally friendly. All that plastic._

_Huggies Overnites are a must-have when the little one gets bigger! They’re the number-one brand of overnights._

_Bambo Nature are the best for green diapers, but Seventh Generation is good, and so is Earth’s Best. Babyganics is kind of deceiving, and The Honest Company isn’t all that honest._

_Target brand is good, but their wipes REEK!_

_Walmart is hit-or-miss, but their Parent’s Choice brand of everything else is amazing! Seriously, who DOESN’T want five different scent choices for baby wipes?!_

_Luvs, meh._

_You can’t go wrong with Costco, Jyn. Just do Costco. We have a membership, honey. You and I can go together. Grandma will buy diapers. Plus, you get cute little purple pandas, then a zebra –_

Jyn fumbled both packages of newborn diapers on the ground and gulped back a sob, then sat right down on an empty shelf space and let the tears flow.

“You okay, sweetie?” a mom with three kids crawling on her like monkeys on a vine, with a fourth due any second now, asked. Jyn gestured helplessly to all the diapers.

“I just…don’t…know…which…brand!” she sobbed.

“Have you ever thought about cloth-diapering?”

Jyn just shook her head and wiped her eyes. “Thanks for checking on me. You’re very kind. I’m sorry. Just…hormones, I guess.”

“Wait till you start worrying about SIDS risks and swaddling and tummy time and of course, everyone has an opinion on when to start introducing solid foods. Six months, by the way. You’re breastfeeding, right? Breast is best. I have an IBCLC lady if you need her name – ”

Jyn waved her off, now wishing the woman had just kept quiet. “No, thank you.”

“Just make sure to stay away from the lunch meat while you’re pregnant. No Caesar salads, either. Or homemade ice cream or cookie dough. Raw egg, you know. You’ll do fine. Your bump is so cute, by the way. Oh, you also get a free pump. Well, that was under Obamacare – ”

_“Thank you.”_

The woman moved off, the contents of her cart and her children swaying dangerously, and even though she’d caused Jyn even more distress and anxiety, she admired how the mother seemed to be able to handle her kids and have the situation under control. Never a cross word, each child getting the attention he or she needed, and all the while educating them.

 _She’s not human,_ Jyn concluded. She hiccupped, took a deep breath, and was about to force herself to stand when she heard her name and looked up with dread.

“Are you all right?” Cassian asked. Jyn didn’t bother swiping at her eyes this time, just let him see her in all her messed-up glory. He had a Band-Aid over a cotton ball in the crook of his elbow, where his blood had been drawn for the paternity test.

Jyn flung her hand up at the diapers stacked above her. “I can’t pick a diaper brand.”

“Probably don’t need that just yet, right?”

“Just trying to weigh all my options and educate myself.” She stood up and dusted herself off, then sniffed. Her body wanted her to hiccup again, so she coughed to cover it up. “What are you doing here?”

“At Target on a Saturday? Just being shady, I guess.”

They left the diaper aisle, and Jyn trailed along as Cassian shopped. He didn’t seem to mind her presence.

“Why are you buying Colgate?” she asked. “Whatever happened to Crest Pro-Health?”

“I got tired of the gritty stuff in it,” he said.

“They changed it. There’s some new formula.”

“Really? Well, this is cheaper.”

He also didn’t seem to mind her constant commentary on _everything_ he picked up, and after a while, Jyn realized he was poking fun at her.

“Fine,” she snapped. “But don’t complain when powdered Gain makes you itch. That stuff is terrible. What’s wrong with Seventh Generation liquid detergent? I also saw you snuck in Dawn, when you should be getting something greener.”

Cassian grabbed it out of the bag and held it up. “This has a seal on it.”

“And that, what, goes with your décor? I’ve seen your décor, Cassian. It’s minimalist man-cave, not seal-chic.”

“Dawn saves wildlife,” Cassian said. “They work with Shedd Aquarium.”

“Are their ingredients good on the environment?”

“I don’t know!” He shoved it back in the bag. “They save seals and ducks, okay?”

Jyn glanced at the baby section as they started to come up to it. “Always ducks. Ducks and frogs and bunnies.”

“This isn’t.” Cassian abruptly turned down one of the aisles and pointed at a onesie set. “This has a pink cat. And it has matching…what the hell are these?”

“For one, it’s for a girl, and I was talking about unisex themes, and for two, those are mittens.”

“They don’t look very warm.”

Jyn rolled her eyes. “They’re so newborns don’t scratch themselves, Cassian.” She clapped him on the shoulder. “Good try, though.”

“Sorry, never been in this section before.”

A small wave of guilt rippled through Jyn, and she turned away, pretending to look at crib sheets. “It’s new to me, too. I didn’t know any of this four months ago.”

She felt more than saw Cassian round on her. “Why are you with him?”

Jyn’s heart began to race, and her fingers gripped the swaddle sack she was holding harder. She stared down at the smiling elephant, and her vision blurred. She couldn’t think of anything to say in response.

“I know I’m not fun at parties,” Cassian continued, “and that I’m an acquired taste, but I just thought…if I was the kind of guy you went for…the last person you’d be with is someone like… _him._ ”

He said the last word with such contempt that Jyn’s shoulders tensed further, and she winced. Her hormones were already kicking her ass today; now she had Cassian in the baby aisle of Target with her, questioning why she was trying to have a new life – quite literally – with Mike.

Jyn breathed in through her nose and let it out in a huff, then spun to face him, her mouth set. His knuckles were white on the handle of the bag on his shoulder, and his face might as well have been carved from stone.

“Because he loves me,” she said. “Is that not enough of a reason to be with someone?”

 _“Three months?”_ Cassian asked. “I’ll never judge you, Jyn, but…you were with him _three months_ before deciding to start a family with him?”

“A month, actually,” Jyn clarified with a sneer. “We fell in love and started talking about having a family after a month. Are you so jaded that you don’t believe in falling in love that quickly?”

“I do believe in it,” Cassian said quietly, “because I fell in love with _you_ that quickly.”

Jyn looked down at the elephant again, a sweet little pink flower twined in its upturned trunk.

“I couldn’t do it anymore,” Jyn said. “The anger, the fighting – ”

“The passion. The sex.” He stepped closer to her and lightly ran a knuckle down the side of her neck.

“Arguing in public,” Jyn said. “Our friends watching and not knowing what to say to us. Sniping at each other over text. Hanging up on each other. The awkward moments in the office.”

“The awesome moment in the supply closet,” Cassian said, and now he was pressed further in her personal space and way too close. “Every night after a work event even when we stopped seeing each other.” He ducked his face to the top of her head and took a deep breath. “Your scent on my pillow in the morning.”

Before she could stop herself, Jyn’s head tilted down, too, until her forehead rested on his chest. She closed her eyes and inhaled as he had. He still smelled _the exact same,_ and she groaned back in her throat.

Then his arms were around her, and she’d taken a step toward him, and all of her was against his body now.

“It wasn’t all bad, Jyn,” Cassian said.

“A lot of it was,” she sighed against his chest.

“Most of it wasn’t. Not until the end.” He played with her hair, his finger dangerously close to her face. “When we first started working together, you were so like me it was painful. I thought we’d never get along. Then we started working with Baze and Chirrut and Bodhi, and the more I saw you, the more I was around you, the more I _needed_ to see you and be around you.”

“I was only temping,” Jyn said. “I wasn’t supposed to stay.”

“We threw you a party when you were officially asked to sign on with the department.”

Jyn smiled. “I remember. You had a big banner in my apartment that said ‘Welcome Home.’ ”

“That was a good night.”

“It was.” She let out another sigh, let herself lean against him another short moment longer, and then stepped away and opened her eyes. His were already on her. “I should get back.”

“Why?” Cassian asked. “Does Mike watch your time?”

“No.”

His eyes lowered to her belly for a few heartbeats. “How far along are you now?”

“About fifteen weeks.”

“How’s it been going so far?”

“Good,” Jyn answered. “It’s been good. I haven’t been that sick, and it’s been pretty smooth sailing. I haven’t gotten any weird symptoms, and the only thing I crave is bacon, although that could just be an excuse to eat more of it. We find out the sex at twenty weeks, and it’s been so hard to not put the nursery together without knowing if we’re having a boy or girl. I’m really excited to feel the baby kick, too – ” She cut herself off at the look on Cassian’s face. “I really should go.”

“Sure,” Cassian said, his gaze away from hers, not on anything in particular. “I’ve got everything I need, anyway.”

They walked for a few moments in silence, but it became so uncomfortable that the first moment she could, Jyn split off from him, saying she’d forgotten to grab something from the kitchen department. This turned out to be a sideways step rather than a positive one, because once surrounded by kitchen implements she was reminded of the days when she and Cassian lived together and he cooked. All the time. His amazing food and how he always had something ready for her, and she was just hopeless in the kitchen because she couldn’t muster any care for it. She missed that. She missed _him._

Jyn went home that afternoon with a box of Sour Patch Kids that she opened and finished in the car and nothing from her list.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn gets the results of the paternity test, and she tells Cassian he’s the father.

The email came when Jyn was trying not to fall asleep at work around 3:15 Thursday afternoon. Too anxious over the test results, she couldn’t force herself to focus on her work and had instead spent most of her time on Buzzfeed, Facebook, and the office messenger system with Bodhi. He’d already stopped by her cube for a walk at ten, lunch at noon, and a snack at two, knowing she expected the results today.

When Jyn saw the email from her doctor’s office, her gut reaction was to get Bodhi so she’d have some emotional support. It wasn’t his business, but…he didn’t have to know the answer just yet, and he already also knew more than anyone else at this point anyway. She chatted him to ask if he’d come over to her cube, and he was there a minute later (he only worked a few hallways over).

Bodhi stood next to Jyn, his hand squeezing her shoulder, as she accessed the email on her phone, clicked the link to go to the secure server, and navigated to the new message.

_Test Results_

Like it was that simple.

Her whole life might change, and then she could never go back. She could never un-know what she knew.

Jyn looked up into Bodhi’s eyes. “I could just not click it.”

Bodhi’s hand squeezed tighter. “Jyn,” he said gently.

“No one would ever know.”

Bodhi’s lips pressed together, and Jyn looked back at the unread message.

She tapped the blue text with her thumb.

The message was short.

_Positive Paternity Match: Cassian J. Andor_

Jyn’s eyes immediately welled with tears, and she backed out of the site. “Thanks, Bodhi,” she said. “I’ll…”

He bent down, gave her a hug in her chair from behind, and left. Jyn looked back up at her computer and pulled up Cassian’s chat window. Their last chat logged was from over seven months ago. _See you at the party tonight._

Jyn typed a short message.

**I need to talk to you immediately.**

Cassian replied back right away.

_Okay. I’ll meet you at the field ops break area._

Jyn emailed her boss to say she wasn’t feeling well and was going home, and shut her computer down. There was no way she was going back to work today.

 

Cassian was already waiting in the break area when Jyn walked out. She’d had to gather her things up and take the elevator down, whereas he was still working and his department was closer to the outside break area anyway. She already had her sunglasses on when she opened the door and walked outside, because no one at work needed to see her crying.

Of course he’d chosen a place in the shade.

He leaned back against a table, his hands in his jeans pockets. Jyn slowed her pace further, then took her time setting her stuff down on the table. She needed every extra second to collect herself. And she was doing okay, really she was, when her body betrayed her and took in a giant sniff.

“I take it you got the test results?” Cassian said. Jyn nodded, and she felt two more tears stream down her face. Cassian reached up and lifted the sunglasses from her eyes to perch them on top of her head. She stared back at him, refusing to crumple. “Is it really that bad?”

“It’s yours,” Jyn said. He let out all the breath that seemed to be in his body, and _he_ crumpled.

“Okay,” he said. “Um…”

“Yeah,” Jyn replied. “ ‘Um.’ ”

“What are you going to tell Mike?”

Jyn threw her hands up. “I don’t know? How the fuck do we even begin to work this out? I still want to be with Mike. I still want a family with him.”

“Do you?” Cassian peered hard at her. “Because you and I barely even talked about it, and then suddenly you meet this other guy and you just want to have a kid with him?”

Jyn scoffed. “Judgment from you. Perfect.”

“I’m not. I’m just trying to understand.”

“You don’t need to. It’s not _your_ life.”

“I _do_ need to,” Cassian argued, raising his voice, “and it _is_ my life now.”

“I didn’t have to tell you, you know,” Jyn said. “I could’ve lied or pretended the thing that happened with you and me never happened. But I told you. Now you need to get off my case and give me room to breathe here.”

“Fair enough. I just…” He stopped, looking like he’d slipped and said too much.

“You just what?” Jyn spat.

“I just hope you’re not going to cut me out of this.”

Jyn crossed her arms and said, “So, me staying with Mike is not an option, you’re saying.”

He shrugged gently. “I don’t see how it can be, Jyn. Unless you plan on not telling him and thinking I’m not going to fight to parent my own child. Or that he's going to be okay raising your ex-boyfriend's child.”

All the blood rushed from Jyn’s face, and she swayed. “You want me to break up with him.”

“I don’t want you to do anything but what’s right.”

Jyn’s eyebrows jumped up. “And you’re going to be the one to decide that.”

“Didn’t say that. But what I _am_ saying is that if two people are willing to be stupid enough to risk accidental pregnancy, they damn well better be ready for the consequences.”

“It _wasn’t_ accidental,” Jyn refuted. “I was _trying_ to get pregnant.”

“By me?”

Jyn drew back from him. “No. Of course not. By Mike.”

Cassian put his face in his hands and huffed out another breath. “Did you go home and have sex with him, too?” he asked quietly.

“Not that it’s your business,” Jyn said, “but no. It was two days later. I was…I was thinking about you that night after I went back home.”

She watched as his hands lowered, and he continued staring at the ground. It had been so long since he’d truly met her eyes with his own. The rich brown, the love, the adoration, the affection, she missed seeing those feelings in them. Now he was just…cold.

Broken.

“I need to get home,” Jyn said as she reached a shaking hand out to her work bag. “I don’t really feel well.”

Cassian ran his hand back through his hair and then settled his hands on his hips, deep in thought. “Are you okay to drive?”

“I’m fine. Thanks. I mean, if I talk to Mike, I probably won’t have a place to live by the weekend because he makes way more than me and I can’t afford that apartment, but maybe Baze and Chirrut will take pity on me and let me have their extra room till I get things figured out.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him cross his arms. His face was still turned away from her. “You can always stay with me if you absolutely need to. I know this is fucked up six ways from Sunday, but I’m not going to just…turn you away suddenly. Tell you ‘good luck’ and walk away.” He shrugged. “Whatever you need,” he added in a quiet voice, “I’ll try to help you with it until we get this sorted out.”

Jyn reached out and clasped his arm. “Thank you, Cassian,” she said sincerely.

He didn’t reply, and she gathered the rest of her things and turned away.

Tonight. She’d have to tell Mike tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still taking ideas for scenes/chapters you guys want to see! I have a couple in mind still (POV Cassian, Baze and Chirrut intervention). Thanks for reading and caring so much about this 'verse. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn tells Mike he’s not the father.

Mike came home twenty minutes late, and Jyn’s heart felt like it was going to race out of her chest. Paranoia swirled in her mind. Had he found out somehow?

“You’re late,” she said as she straightened up on the sofa. “Everything okay?”

“Surprise!” he said, holding up a Babies ’R’ Us bag. “I just wanted to stop in and see what they had. Look how cute this is!”

Jyn watched, sickened, as he reached inside and withdrew a set of neutral onesies that said, “My Mommy Loves Me,” “Mommy + Daddy = Me,” and “Mommy’s My Favorite.” The sickening feeling expanded in her chest.

“Cute,” she said breathily, tears already starting to form. “We have to talk.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting next to her on the couch. “Is the baby okay?”

Jyn nodded, and even though she’d practiced her words to him in her head over and over, she still couldn’t find the right way to say them that wouldn’t destroy everything.  Wouldn’t hurt him irreparably. Well, there _wasn’t_ a right way, and she knew that.

Mike tried to gather her in his arms, but she pulled away and swiped at the tears. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know how else to say this. I made a mistake when you and I were trying to get pregnant.”

“Oh, no.” Mike shifted closer to her anyway. “This is what we both wanted, Jyn. I know it’s scary, but you’re going to be a great mom.”

Jyn shook her head, and the tears started pouring out faster. “That’s not what I mean. I hooked up with my ex and this baby’s not yours.”

The room stilled. The words were out. She’d said it. Now all she could do was wait and watch as the words settled over her boyfriend. The man she’d thought was the father of her child.

 _“What?”_ Mike asked in horror.

“I didn’t mean to do it,” Jyn said. “It was an accident.”

Mike’s eyebrows shot up. “An _accident?_ You call sleeping with your old boyfriend an _accident?_ ”

“Yes.”

“Buying regular Coke instead of Diet Coke is an accident. Getting into a fender bender because you’re texting is an accident. Climbing into your ex-boyfriend’s bed and letting him put it in you while you’re trying to get pregnant with your new boyfriend is not an _accident._ How could you _do_ this, Jyn?!”

“It was a _mistake!”_ she said. “A terrible, terrible mistake.”

“Well, I’m done.” Mike stood from the sofa and took the onesie set, shoving it back in the bag. “You can keep the apartment. I’ll find my own place.”

“You know I can’t afford to live here on my own.”

“Yeah,” Mike scoffed. “I know. Hope you enjoy the meager pay Cassian’s getting in field ops. He’s certainly not going to be able to provide you with the cushy life I have.”

“I never said I was going back to him,” Jyn said, feeling weary all of a sudden. She didn’t want to have this fight. She wished it were over.

“It’s always been about him, hasn’t it? Did you ever even love me?”

“Of course I did. I do.”

“Right. You sound _so_ convincing.” He walked to the door and grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. “How much time do you think you’ll need to get out of here?”

Jyn stood from the couch, hands in fists. “You know, for someone who loved me and wanted to have a family with me ten minutes ago, you turned out to be a real asshole. Don’t you even care that I’m _pregnant?_ ”

“Well,” Mike said as he looked up at her, his eyes cold, “turns out that’s not my problem.”

 

Jyn palmed away tears for the umpteenth time, gasping for another breath, her other hand gripping the strap of her duffel bag as she waited in front of Cassian’s door. As soon as he opened it, his face transformed into worry. She hadn’t even spared a moment to text him to tell him she was coming over. If he hadn’t been there, she would’ve just let herself in with the spare key she still had. She’d forgotten about it until tonight.

“You told Mike,” he said.

All she could do was nod, and he took her into his arms.

 

After Jyn had showered and changed into pajamas, she sat on yet another sofa, for yet another difficult conversation. Cassian didn’t speak, his fingers on his chin, and she didn’t speak, either. He’d made her tea, and it was helping settle her stomach. After a while, though, she knew she was going to have to break the silence if he wouldn’t.

“I won’t stay long,” she said. “Just tonight.”

“Stay as long as you like,” Cassian said, but he didn’t look at her. Jyn knew his expression well: he was lost in thought.

“I’ll contact Baze and Chirrut in the morning. I figured I could stay with them? They have an extra room. Or Bodhi, but he doesn’t have the room. I’ll just…” She blew out a breath. “Have to come clean with everyone.”

“Jyn.” She looked over to see his face toward hers, though his eyes were focused on her knee rather than her face. Like he still couldn’t meet her eyes. “I said, stay as long as you like.”

His voice was gentle. Quiet.

Comforting.

Jyn moved over on the sofa and leaned her head on his shoulder. Cassian didn’t hesitate; his arm immediately wrapped around her shoulders and his head rested on hers. She closed her eyes and curled up into him.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said. “It’s not ideal, but…we will. This is my baby, too. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jyn sighed and breathed in deeply, his familiar scent filling her nose…and a familiar spark sneaking through her body and out through her fingers and toes. “You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that.”

He rubbed her back. “So…how did you tell him? If you want to talk about it,” Cassian quickly added.

Jyn sniffed. “I just told him the truth, and he was furious. He has every right to be. He didn’t deserve this. He told me I could keep the apartment, but he knows I can’t afford it. I want to move out by the end of the weekend. I just don’t know where I’ll go. I don’t think I can get an apartment that soon, or, I don’t know, maybe I can. But I don’t want to live by myself right now.”

“You don’t have to.” His other arm came around her to form a tight circle. “I told you I’d be here for you through all of this. We might as well…stick together.”

“ ‘Stick together…?’ ” Jyn leaned away to look up into his eyes. “What are you saying?”

“My lease is up next month,” Cassian said. “This complex is affordable. We can split the cost of a two-bedroom, or even a three-bedroom if you need an extra room to be away from me. Or for a nursery or…” He shrugged. “We can be roommates.”

Was he asking her to get back together with him? Surely not. No. Not after what had just happened with her and Mike, and she and Cassian were barely speaking as it was. They were mostly just angry at each other.

No. He wasn’t. No.

“You sure we can really do that?” Jyn asked. “Make it work?”

“I think we can,” Cassian said carefully, “if we remember why we’re doing it. For the baby. We have to be adults about this and suck it up.”

“The baby’s not even here yet,” Jyn pointed out. “We could wait or… Cassian, we shouldn’t do this. Like at all.”

“I can’t let you live on your own, pregnant, after a horrible breakup,” he said. “I just can’t, Jyn. I mean, if you want to live with Bodhi again, or with Baze and Chirrut, that would work, too. Shit, yeah, I forgot you said that.” He loosened his grip on her and put his hand on his forehead. “I feel like an idiot. I’m just trying to help. This is how we got ourselves in trouble in the first place.”

The spark shot through Jyn again. “How?” she asked, her tone as neutral as she could make it.

His hand fell away from his face, and he looked at her again. “Because I can’t stay away from you. Don’t you know that?”

Jyn smiled and threaded her fingers through his. “I’m here myself, aren’t I? The feeling is mutual.”

“Come here,” Cassian said, and Jyn wrapped her arms around him. They both let out a sigh at the same time, and Jyn’s eyes shut. “I’m sorry,” he added. “For all of this. That I got you pregnant. That’s terrible.”

“It’s not terrible,” Jyn said. “It’s just not ideal, like you said.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “You should get some sleep. You can have the bed.”

Jyn tightened her grip on him. “Stay with me.”

His hand had been slowly rubbing her back, but it stilled now. “Are you sure that’s such a good idea? Last time we were in that bed together, you got pregnant.”

“Well, it can’t happen again, so we’re good there.” She lowered her hand to his and tugged. “Come on.”

He followed her back to his room, and she climbed into the unmade bed. She closed her eyes as he got ready, and she was close to falling asleep when he tucked the covers in around her and kissed her forehead.

“Goodnight, Jyn.”

“Night,” she said as he got in.

He left space between them, but that was all right. Everything was weird right now, and he knew it, too. Leaving space between them in the bed was just fine with her. She’d be leaving after work tomorrow anyway. Surely Baze and Chirrut would take pity on her, and she could hang out there for a bit.

After that….

Well, that wasn’t something she had to solve now. All she needed to do right now was get some sleep, get through work tomorrow, and get to the weekend.

Survive. She just had to survive.

And if there was one thing Jyn Erso could do, it was survive.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn is still having a rough time. Cassian is still there for her as always. They pack up her apartment.

Jyn woke during the night needing to go to the bathroom. When she got back into the bed, Cassian pulled himself closer, lap pressed against her backside. He wasn’t awake, perhaps reacting completely on instinct. She let him, snuggling back against him herself, wishing things had turned out differently. _Would_ it be so hard for them to start over? _Could_ they? Cassian didn’t seem to think there would be a problem with it. He seemed to be willing to work things out. Make them work.

 _No,_ Jyn thought. _You’re just reeling from getting dumped. Mike was awful. You’re desperate to be close to someone. Don’t rebound with Cassian like you did with –_

Her eyes flew open.

_Like you did with Mike._

Had that been it all along? Had Mike simply been a rebound from _Cassian_?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Tears sprang to Jyn’s eyes. She’d thought she was in love with Mike, had discussed starting a family with him, had imagined a future with him, and all this time, maybe none of it had been real.

Her body shook with silent sobs, until finally she couldn’t hold them in and coughed as they wracked her. Cassian startled awake.

“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” he asked, squeezing her arm. She turned over to face him.

“I’m an idiot,” Jyn said. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I wanted to start a family with Mike. It was all a mistake. A _huge_ fucking mistake. What if he’d actually gotten me pregnant? What if I’d never slipped and hooked up with you? What if this baby wasn’t yours? And now I’m alone and pregnant and oh, my God, I fucked up _so bad_ ….”

She sat up and covered her eyes, guilt and regret pounding relentless waves through her. Cassian sat up, too, his arm going around her shoulders.  
“Shh, shh,” he said. “It’s okay, Jyn. None of that came to pass. You’re here now. You’re safe. The baby’s not his. He doesn’t have to be a part of your life anymore.”

Jyn shook her head. “I can’t raise a baby alone. I don’t want to. I never even considered that that could be a possibility. He said he loved me, that he’d always be there for me, and now he’s just _gone_ , and he was so _ugly_ at the end.”

She collapsed against Cassian’s chest, her body continuing to shake. It was a long time before she quieted.

 

Jyn called in sick to work the next day. Cassian made her breakfast and set it next to her on the nightstand, but she didn’t feel much like eating.

“You have to,” he said. “You’re just going to feel worse if you don’t eat.” Jyn wasn’t looking at him, but his pause, his stillness, told her he was thinking before he spoke again. “Do you want me to stay home with you?”

“No,” she answered.

“Do you _need_ me to?”

Now Jyn hesitated. “Maybe.”

Cassian shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over the back of his desk chair, then stretched out on the bed with her. He emailed his boss to let him know he’d be out, then set his phone down. Then he rubbed Jyn’s shoulder as she lay turned away from him, and he didn’t speak.

“I need my phone,” she said. “I need to text Chirrut about their extra room.”

“I’ll go get it.”

When he returned, Jyn was about to pull up Chirrut’s text box, when she remembered he and Baze were traveling out of the country sometime soon. She cursed when she checked her calendar and saw they’d left yesterday and wouldn’t be back for two weeks.

“There’s one of those rent-by-the-week suite places a couple miles from here,” Cassian said. “We can check that out and get you a room there, if you’d like.”

“Where am I supposed to put my stuff?” Jyn asked. “Storage unit?”

“That would work. Do you have a lot of furniture?”

“No, it’s all Mike’s. I sold mine when he and I moved in together. I don’t have a ton of stuff anyway.”

“We should get you moved out today. While he’s not there.”

Jyn swallowed. He was right, but the thought was overwhelming.

“Eat,” Cassian said gently. “Then we’ll go.”

 

They bought boxes at a U-Haul store and rented a trailer, and then drove to Jyn’s apartment. Jyn hoped Cassian wouldn’t comment on how fancy it was, but of course he didn’t. It put his place to shame, but Jyn had never cared about those sorts of things. Mike made a lot of money as CEO of a small local network of hospitals, and he had enjoyed spending it on her. Why hadn’t she noticed when they’d met at the bar that night? Why had she let her friends encourage her to talk to him?

Why had she even given him the time of day?

Because she’d wanted to get away from Cassian. To put him in her past and never look back. To pretend like she was completely over him, when in reality, she never, ever would be.

The apartment carried a tinge of Mike’s cologne in the air. Jyn clenched her fists and tried to steel herself, but she knew this was going to tear her apart.

Cassian glanced at her. “You okay?”

Jyn palmed a stray tear and cleared her throat. “Let’s just get this over with.” She reached for her books on the bookshelf.

“No, no, I’ll get everything,” he said. “Just tell me what to get. I can pack you up pretty quickly.”

They didn’t make conversation about any of the items, except to discuss whether they stayed or went. Cassian commented on nothing, even things that twined Jyn’s life with Mike’s. She didn’t want to keep anything that reminded her of him, leaving behind everything that had even the remotest connection to him.

Around 3:30, they had almost all of Jyn’s possessions packed up.

That was when they heard the key in the lock.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian confront Mike, then go back to Cassian’s apartment to talk about the state of their own relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back again with my first update since 11/24/17! That is thanks to you guys continuing to comment on this and asking if I’m continuing to work on it. I am now, thanks to you! I had dropped it because I’d moved on to [my Christmas fic](https://archiveofourown.org/series/889854), and then I never got back into it. Well, here it is again! I will TRY to finish it, although right now I’m working on [Come to Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14369835/chapters/33174537), a GFFA fic where Jyn and Cassian are undercover at a brothel. (I’m really excited about that one and hope you read it, too! <3)
> 
> Refresher: Jyn and Cassian are packing up Jyn’s belongings at her and Mike's apartment so she can stay with Cassian for a bit until she gets her feet on the ground. Just as they’re finishing up, they hear the key in the lock.

Both Jyn and Cassian froze, but Cassian was quicker to recover. He stood from the box he was taping and came up next to Jyn, crossing his arms and staring at the door.

Mike walked in. He looked stunned at Cassian’s presence.

“I saw your car in the garage,” he said to Jyn, “and I was going to apologize, but I see you’re busy.”

“I am,” Jyn said. “Why are you home early?”

“It’s Friday and I felt like it.” His eyes shifted to Cassian. “That didn’t take you long.”

“He’s here to help, since you threw me out on the street. We’re almost done.”

“Nice move, by the way,” Cassian said to him. “Very noble of you.”

“Stay out of this,” Jyn warned.

“No, let him talk,” Mike said. “If you’ve got something to say to me, Cassian, you should say it.”

Cassian let his arms drop. “All right. You’re an entitled piece of garbage who has every right to be angry, but you should have handled it like an actual human being instead of treating Jyn, the woman you supposedly love, like trash. If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have hated her so much for what happened.”

Mike smirked and crossed his own arms. “You two. Never to blame, are you? I’m the real victim here, you know.”

“Yeah, we’re aware. We’re not morons. But you don’t treat people the way you treated her.”

Mike shrugged. “If you treated her so great, why’d she dump you?”

Cassian flinched, and in that moment, Jyn absolutely _hated_ Mike. “Maybe you should mind your own fucking business,” she said to him.

Mike gestured to Jyn’s phone on the coffee table. “I texted you a few times, actually. I wanted…I wanted to apologize.” Jyn gaped, stunned. “But I guess it wouldn’t have made any difference.”

“You threw me out,” she replied in a flat voice. “Why would I have accepted your apology after that?”

“Because,” Mike said, eyes shifting to Cassian, “I do love you, and I did want to forgive you.” His eyes returned to hers. “You couldn’t have gone to Bodhi? Baze, Chirrut?”

“Cassian is my friend,” Jyn replied, grabbing a box and hauling it up. She lost her balance and stumbled back, nearly losing her grip on the box. Cassian’s hand flew out to grab her elbow and steady her.

“I think it’s time we left,” Cassian said. He gently took the box from her hands. Jyn felt sick to her stomach, and angry. In silence, she gathered her purse and phone, then turned back to Mike, revenge in her mind.

“You’re so jealous,” she said. “You always have been. Of _course_ I went back to Cassian. I would have been out of my mind not to.” With that, she turned to Cassian, threw her arms around his neck, and pulled him down to her for a kiss. It was unfair to Cassian, but she wanted to make Mike pay for what he did, and she could think of nothing better than to force him to watch her kiss the very man he hated and was outrageously jealous of.

Mike shook his head in disgust. “Jyn – ” he said, but she was already walking past him and out the door.

\---

Too exhausted from the ordeal in her old apartment, Jyn passed on looking at storage units and opted to just go back to Cassian’s apartment. They left the U-Haul trailer hitched up to his car and extended the rental through the next day.

“Do you have anything that’s going to be affected by the heat?” Cassian asked as he shook his keys out in search of his apartment key. He wouldn’t look at her, and Jyn wished he would. “We should get those inside if so.” He found the right key and opened the door.

“Cassian,” Jyn said when they were inside, “I’m sorry about the kiss.” He shrugged.

“’S no big deal,” he said. “I know why you did it.” He put his hands on his hips and looked around his apartment. “If I moved some stuff around, we could probably get your boxes in here if we absolutely had to – ”

Jyn took his hand and tugged, urging him to turn around. “Please don’t.” Cassian relented, and when Jyn saw the neutral mask on his face, she felt her own crumple. “Tell me I didn’t hurt you again.”

“Did you mean what you said?” he asked. “About going back to me?”

Jyn allowed herself a small smile. “In our way.” She brought his hand down to the swell of her belly. He sighed, his hand gently pressing against her.

“Jyn, I don’t…” he started before trailing off.

“Don’t what?” With her other hand, she caressed his cheek. “Tell me.”

“I don’t think you should stay with Baze and Chirrut. I think we should try to work things out. Make things work for the baby, I mean. Not get back together – I don’t mean that, I know we shouldn’t – but at least try to iron out our issues so we can raise him or her together.”

Jyn rested her arm on his shoulder. “How are we going to do that? Raise a baby together when we’re not together?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I guess we could just share custody.” He looked down. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be you and me and a baby, not us with our separate lives and some poor child thrown in the midst of it. I don’t know how everything went so wrong. I don’t suppose I’ll ever know.”

“Some things just aren’t meant to be.”

“You and me? We aren’t meant to be?”

“We are,” Jyn said, then repeated, “In our way.”

Cassian slid his arms around her waist. “I’d give everything in the world to have a second chance. To not have fucked up the only one I had.”

“I messed up, too.”

“And there’s no going back.”

Jyn arched a brow. “Is that a question?”

“No.”

She closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his chest. “I could use a nap,” she said. “Want to join me?”

“Sure.”

They went back to the bedroom and got into the bed, turning toward one another. Jyn craved his closeness, even as her heart felt the sorrow of her relationship with Mike blowing up and her lost future with Cassian. A part of her wished she could be intimate with him again, to be loved and feel loved again, but she knew those feelings didn’t come from a real place. Hopefully, in time, the two of them would work through all of their problems and find a way to raise their child together, and have lives of their own on the side. She could deal with that, probably.

 _Could you?_ she thought. _Could you really bear to see Cassian with another woman? Could you stand the thought of him making love to someone else? Making another woman come the way he always made you? Worst of all, falling in love with another woman?_

Jyn groaned audibly at the thought and burrowed deeper into his arms. No, she couldn’t bear it.

Cassian asked her what was wrong. “I’ve just missed you,” she said.

“I’ve missed you, too,” he replied. He tightened his arms around her, and he’d barely put his cheek on top of her head before she lifted it to look into his eyes. “You have no idea how much.”

“We can’t ever fix what went wrong,” Jyn whispered, her voice catching. Cassian moved a strand of hair away from where it had caught in her mouth.

“I know that,” he said. Jyn tipped her forehead against his and squeezed her eyes shut, heart hammering in her chest. The moment was too much. The thrill of anticipation ran through every part of her body, and it was too warm in the bed and she couldn’t breathe.

 _Stop this,_ she thought. _You’re on the rebound. Stop._

But she didn’t. She couldn’t. She lifted her forehead from his, angled her face just the right way, and leaned closer to him.

He was ready for her kiss and kissed her back, whereas he hadn’t before in her old apartment. His body came up off the bed as he pressed closer to her, as he then pulled her back down to him. She wanted more, more, more, but knew she couldn’t have it, not yet, not right now, not with everything that had just happened. She opened her mouth to him, kissed him deeper and harder, tried and failed to stop her hand from dropping between his legs and finding him already growing hard for her. He wouldn’t make a move, she knew, but God, she wanted him to. She wanted anything, _anything_ from him, but if she had the choice, she would have wanted to pleasure him before receiving any pleasure for her own. She wanted to show him with her body how much she truly did love him still – yes, she still did, and she knew she still did – whether it was by slowly making love to him with her on top of him, or letting him take her from behind, or just taking him into her mouth until he came in it. Anything to show him how much she still cared.

Jyn clenched her hand to stop it from moving up to his belt, and instead brushed her knuckles along the hardness under his jeans. She couldn’t stop touching him there – her other hand was on his face, and she couldn’t stop touching him there, either – and she fought with all the willpower she had to not take things any further.

Cassian, at least, completely kept his wits about him, even as she fought for control. In fact, she was fighting so hard over her physical body, that she wasn’t paying attention to her emotions, and before she could stop herself, words came out that she had not said in over a year and a half, words she had kept buried deep inside her heart:

“I still love you,” she whispered.

Cassian’s hands threaded into her hair, and his kisses were too intense. They burned her neck before returning to her lips, where he breathed out his own words against her.

“I still love you, too.”

Jyn sighed and all the anger and resentment and sadness from the day flowed out of her in an instant. Her head dropped to his chest, and her eyes closed. She fell asleep lulled by the sound of Cassian’s heartbeat.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian remembers the passionate beginning of their relationship, along with the painful end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with added smut! Note the rating change! Gets pretty filthy! Hope you enjoy!! (What can I say, I was in a mood.)

Cassian

 

Cassian laid in the bed with a deeply asleep Jyn, his arm around her holding her tight to his chest, and he thought back over their entire relationship.

There was little he didn’t remember about it. The day he’d met her, the month afterward when they’d worked together and it had been so difficult because they were far too alike. How things had begun to change between them, and even when he’d been irritated by her, when at times, he couldn’t even stand her and found everything she did at work obnoxious and poor form and wanted to write her up half a dozen times, he admired her. She was good at what she did.

Worse, he felt pulled to her. He couldn’t escape, and he only got closer.

They lingered over drinks one Friday night after the whole team had gone out. They’d completed a huge assignment successfully, and there was reason to celebrate. Baze and Chirrut turned in early like the old people they were, with the group laughing at them as they paid their bill and walked away at 9:45. Kay left not that long after, with a reminder that Cassian needed to pick up toilet bowl cleaner, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser bathroom scrubbers, salami, and La Croix at the store still. That left Bodhi chatting obliviously for over fifteen minutes before Jyn excused herself to go to the bathroom, probably hoping Cassian would take care of it.

When she came back, Bodhi was gone, and Cassian was standing at the table tossing down cash onto the bill.

“How’d you get rid of poor Bodhi?” Jyn asked.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, finishing off his beer. “Let’s go.”

Jyn barely kept her hands off him in their Uber back to her apartment (he had to share with Kay, of course, and Kay was _never_ gone so he had no privacy). He saw her hands balled next to her thighs, and he took one, smiling.

“You folks have a lovely night now,” the driver said with a knowing smile when he dropped them off. Cassian opened his mouth to reply, but Jyn was already pulling him away. He called up the app and gave driver Jek Porkins a bad tip for the cuteness.

Once they were in Jyn’s apartment, they both kissed each other at the same time, grabbing at clothes and moving to wherever the hell her bedroom was as fast as possible. She had to be as aware as he was that they were going to screw like crazy tonight. Cassian’s mind was already buzzing with it, and his pants had already been uncomfortably tight for half an hour. It had been over a year for him, and a lot of months since he’d even wanted to. But then Jyn had shown up in his life, and suddenly, everything was a whirlwind.

And, God, she was tight and wet and warm and soft and strong and sexy, dead sexy, and he had never been in bed with a more beautiful woman. Her body easily gave up its secrets to him, coming for his tongue and his fingers and his cock. And just when he thought he could take no more, that he was truly, completely spent and was shaking with his own need for release, Jyn turned him over, yanked all control from him, and rode him without mercy until he was crying out and burying his face in her damp neck, his vision white.

After disposing of the condom, Cassian approached her warily, unsure of how this was going to play out. He’d never slept with a colleague before – certainly never a direct report – and this was where things could get awkward. But she just lay there, unashamed of her nakedness, one arm over her eyes as if she had been thoroughly fucked out.

Cassian felt privately pleased by this sight, and he enjoyed the view for perhaps longer than he should have. But Jyn didn’t stir, so he crossed to the bed and slowly sank down on it.

“Mm,” she sighed, rolling over toward him. Her eyes were closed, blissful, her cheeks pink, her hair a gorgeous, wavy bedhead mess. She pulled the covers over herself and let out a contented breath. “Stay,” she murmured.

So Cassian did.

\---

They had sex once more that night, when they both awoke and Jyn’s hand reached over to find Cassian hard. She began to stroke him and kiss his lips, and he moaned, and before he knew it, she was putting a condom on him and sinking down on him and _oh_ …

She was truly the best partner he’d ever had. He had never had better sex in his entire life, and he was one hundred percent sure he never would again. She was _incredible_.

When Cassian caught his Uber the next day – Porkins again, who gloated – he knew he was in very real danger of falling way too hard for this Jyn Erso girl.

\---

They did it in a supply closet once.

It was when things were slow around the office, and the weather was too hot and still no one knew they were an item. Their closet was located in a dark part of the floor near unused cubes and offices, and Jyn stopped to pick up a box of her favorite blue Bic pens. She lost pens with startling regularity, but Cassian had long ago given up commenting on it (Kay, however, had not, and kept track). Cassian was talking to her about their current assignment, something boring that she clearly had no interest in, and he followed her into the closet. She shut the door and grabbed the box of pens, turning them over in her hands like she thought they were fascinating.

“Two weeks at most,” Cassian finished thinking out loud. “Then I think we’ll be done.”

“Mm,” she replied. Cassian sighed.

“We’ll have something better next,” he said, and Jyn put the pens down again and reached out to his waist to pull him to her by his belt. He let her. “Draven is just trying to spread the work around right now, since it’s…what are you doing?”

“Kissing your neck,” she answered, as if he didn’t already know that.

He gave in easily to her. He always did. He always had. Before he knew it, they had their pants down and he was holding her up and slamming into her against the door, his blood hot and his cock hard and soaking wet with her. She murmured constantly into his ear about how good he felt, how she’d been thinking about him fucking her all day, how she couldn’t wait to have him inside her, how _"I want you to fill me up, Cassian, so I can feel your cum on me and think about our_ _dirty little secret,"_ and God, it was filthy, terribly filthy, and she had a mouth on her but she’d never been like this, and he absofuckinglutely loved it. He’d never done anything like this, and he knew he was crazy. This was the hottest thing he’d ever done in his life, and he was out of his mind in love with her and he knew it and he couldn’t believe everyone else didn’t know it as well. But if she didn’t stop talking soon, he was so turned on that he was going to come before she did just from her words alone, and he didn’t want that.

“Are you going to come?” he asked as he sucked on the skin between her shoulder and neck.

“Not yet,” she said, eyes closed and hand slipping down between them to rub herself. “Maybe you should fuck me a little harder.”

A burst of electricity exploded out in his body at her words. “Want me to eat you out? You can sit on me.”

“Mm, I’ll scream too loud,” she replied.

“Then come on,” he growled, pushing even deeper into her, pressing her harder against the door. He skirted his teeth against her jawline.

“Don’t rush me.” She gasped as he thrust. “There, that was good. Keep doing that.”

She clenched down on him, making herself impossibly tighter, and the angle combined with the extra tightness made him delirious. Cassian knew she was messing with him, and he had about thirty seconds left in him before he broke.

“Dammit, Jyn, come _on_. I’m going to come really soon.”

“Don’t rush perfection.”

He growled again in frustration, his orgasm hovering so close that he was shaking with the effort to hold it off. As his heart beat hard, he stepped back from the door with her, laid her on the industrial carpeting, put one knee up near her waist, and thrust in _hard_. Jyn clapped her hands to her mouth as she cried out, and only a couple seconds later he had her coming quick and strong, her knees gripping his waist.

Which was good, because he was right after her and couldn’t have lasted much longer.

They lay there panting for just a few moments, and then they laughed.

\---

Cassian had a steel-trap memory, but he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when it all went wrong. They’d never been good at communicating verbally – their language had always been touch and looks, all nonverbal cues – and so issues just simmered on the back burner, never being brought up or resolved. Cassian let most of it go – he was completely in love and forgave Jyn easily – but Jyn…she just didn’t. Maybe it was a product of her upbringing, maybe she wanted out of field ops, maybe he fucked up more often than he realized, maybe something was truly wrong with him, he didn’t know. Over time, things just began to go steadily downhill. She was sniping at him in the office, and he was sniping back, and their sex was cold and impersonal. They had been discussing living together a few months before it all went south, but now, when they were over at Jyn’s apartment, they didn’t speak much. They checked their work email, Jyn chatted with friends on her phone, and Cassian scrolled mindlessly through articles on his. They argued about the best way to do things at work, right in front of the whole team. Jyn ignored Cassian’s instructions and went about her assignments her own way. He had to write her up on more than one occasion and formally discipline her. She didn’t even care anymore.

It was right before the end that she transferred out.

Then there was the final night, a Saturday. They hadn’t had sex in over a month. Kisses had been quick and dry.

“Something wrong with yours?” Jyn asked irritably as Cassian poked at his Chinese takeout.

He shook his head. “No.”

“Okay. Because you’re always bitching about that place.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. If you don’t like Chinese Palace, you should’ve suggested Jade Dragon.”

“You hate Jade Dragon’s hot and sour soup.”

“Yeah, but it would’ve been worth it to avoid your annoyed look.”

Cassian didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, but he didn’t want to argue. He knew things were over. He just didn’t want to let go. He loved Jyn. She loved him. They’d been saying it for years. No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out where they went wrong.

If she dumped him, he would never get over it.

Jyn waited until they finished their meal. Cassian barely ate anything. He didn’t have an appetite. Neither, it appeared, did Jyn.

She waited until he opened his fortune cookie _(Today you have good financial gain!)_ until she dropped the bombshell.

Her voice was very quiet.

“This is a mess, Cassian,” she said. “I don’t know that I can do it much longer.”

“I know,” he said. The sound of the cookie crunching between his teeth was way, way too loud.

Even with his memory, he couldn’t remember what specifically happened after that, because he’d blocked it out. He remembered saying, “See you later, Jyn,” and letting himself out as her wet eyes watched him, and knowing he would never get over her, that he would never want anyone else, that any other woman in the entire world was inferior to him, and fuck his whole entire miserable fucking life.

He went home, Kay said something really fucking inane, and he got so drunk he blacked out and didn’t show up to work on Monday.

He didn’t even care.

\---

Yet, even with that horrible ending, they still couldn’t let each other go.

Cassian tried. He really did. Leia consoled him for a month straight, said nothing about his developing alcoholism, reluctantly introduced him to a lonely new hire of hers named Beth, who Cassian treated terribly but had a lot of sex with, and then Leia consoled him some more when Beth called him an asshole and dumped him.

She wasn’t wrong, anyway. A couple weeks later, she was dating Corran Horn, and Cassian thought she must have the worst taste in men in the entire world.

Leia tried talking to Jyn on Cassian’s behalf. _Yes, Cassian misses you very much. No, he’s not as pathetic as he sounds in those 3 a.m. texts. Yes, he was drunk again. No, Bodhi doesn’t really know what to do._

The company threw a formal party for accomplishing some huge thing Cassian didn’t give a shit about, even if he’d contributed to it. But it would’ve been poor form to skip, so he went.

Jyn looked beautiful. Stunning. Spectacular.

Made-up like the princess she always was to him.

All Cassian could do was gape.

She smiled at him, and she asked him how he was doing. He hadn’t seen her since the breakup. Bodhi had to remind him to breathe. He was aware that Baze and Chirrut – out of retirement only for the party – were watching, too, and probably rolling their eyes at him. _(Like Baze has always had his shit together!)_

Jyn was kind.

Cassian went looking for the bar.

At the end of the night, he was woozy but not completely drunk. He ordered an Uber and walked outside to the cool air to wait for it, stalking the car on the app as it made its way to him.

“You look good,” her voice, _her voice_ , that gorgeous, accented voice, said from behind him. Cassian turned around, and there she was again, smiling again like that, like she was actually happy to see him, and _fuck her_ , because _no she was not_.

Cassian turned away. _Fuck her._

“You, too,” he said, staring at the app again. His vision blurred, and he clutched his phone so tight, he thought he might break it in two.

Jyn stepped up to him. _Fuck her, fuck her, FUCK HER –_

“I’ve missed you, Cassian.”

He brought his head up. Those green eyes looked into his. That face he knew so well, it was so open and sincere. Cassian opened his mouth to reply, but found he didn’t have the words.

The Uber pulled up. Jyn’s fingers brushed his.

Cassian grabbed her hand and pulled her into the car with him, and he gave the driver her address.

They didn’t even bother keeping their hands off each other, kissing like crazy the entire way to her apartment. When they got inside, they pulled clothes off as fast as they could, kissing all the while.

They didn’t even have time for him to taste her or finger her. It couldn’t have been more than two minutes before they were in her bed and he was deep inside her, thrusting hard, gripping her sheets and swallowing her cries with hot kisses. He filled her deep and hot, not even hating himself for how short it lasted, and reflecting that yes, sex with her was better than any he’d ever had. None of the sex he’d had with Beth even came close, no matter how much there was.

In the morning, he got Porkins again as his driver. It was like the man was somehow stalking him.

\---

Jyn and Cassian hooked up every time there was a work event. Otherwise, they didn’t see each other much. Then came the day that was just as bad as the day they broke up: the day he found out that Jyn met someone.

His name was Mike Easton, and Cassian hated him with a passion. He was some bigshot of something or other, and Jyn seemed totally taken by him. She rarely talked to him about Mike, and Cassian didn’t bother hiding his disgust for the man. Jyn, at least, was gracious about this.

Cassian hoped it would fizzle out the way things did with Beth, but they didn’t. Two months later, they were still going strong.

Then three months later, Jyn stopped by his apartment – he finally moved out on his own eight months ago – to pick up her remaining things.

They had sex one final time.

\---

Cassian closed his eyes and clasped his hands at Jyn’s shoulder in the bed now, her rounded belly pressing up against his. The memories were mostly painful at this point, but he hoped, sometime in the near future, that they would be peaceful again.

Maybe, someday, they would find happiness again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh ho shit, it's been almost 4 months to the day since I updated. Sowwyyyyyyyy. I've got an outline now, though, and lots of prompts from peeps, so hopefully I'll move at a more-than-glacial pace. In the meantime, feel free to prompt me here or hit up my [askbox on tumblr](https://thestarbirdfromtheashes.tumblr.com/ask)!!


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